i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
