You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
