I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
