the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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