I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
