1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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