you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
