Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
