Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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