GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Let's get the cat blown out
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
