at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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