you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
