I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
