Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
