Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
