Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
