i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
