are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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