Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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