Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
