Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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