Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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