So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
