so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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