So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
