If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
