i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
