I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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