He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
