Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize