i think my mom watched the whole time
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
