you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
