Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
