it hurts more in the daytime
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
