I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
