Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
