She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
