its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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