If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
