I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
