How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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