If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
