I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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