I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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