i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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