Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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