i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
