he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
