Soap is not a condiment
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize