i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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