I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
