i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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