I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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