If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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