Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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