He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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