i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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