dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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