Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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