I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
